Sunday, February 27, 2011

How Can Your State be Business Friendly?


I told you back in December that I'd decided to become a lobbyist. Well, I have.

The adult entertainment industry offered me the most money (and fringe benefits) but it's pretty obvious that would damage my next chance of running for office in our fair state, or country, or continent. So I took the next best thing. The money's close and some of the fringes are comparable, although more discreet. [note to self: delete that last part before posting]

I am working with people at the highest levels of business (like this anonymous gentleman) to prepare for a number of upcoming conversations with state governors (including the guy that beat me) about how to make their states more business friendly.

It is important to note that the people I am working with have specifically instructed me that none of these items are made public until after the first round of gubernatorial meetings. But anyone who has followed my career for any length of time knows damned well that I am a maverick, a loose cannon...

My gun's cock is consistently at half-mast.

So here is the top ten list of ways your state can become more business friendly. When you look at them and read them carefully, you'll see that every single one makes perfect sense.

  1. No corporate income, property, or sales taxes. (My helpful addition: for the top company in the state in any industry.)
  2. No personal income taxes, property, or sales taxes for anyone making over $1 million per year. (I would change that to $500k, because that's what I make.)
  3. Ban unions, the BBB, and media consumer advocates and investigative reporters.
  4. Remove all restrictions on interest charges and collection methods.
  5. Repeal any statute that makes fraud, deceptive advertising, or the manufacture of unsafe products illegal.
  6. Cap all product liability suits to a maximum of $1 in penalty awards.
  7. Blanket immunity from prosecution, tort liability, or alimony for anyone with a C-Suite job title and all boards-of-directors members.
  8. Free water, electricity, streets, roads, and private police divisions.
  9. Free fuel for corporate jets and a method to get "unidentified material" out of the U.S. and into foreign countries without the tedium of customs or security searches. [note: Unidentified materials can be any number of items, as defined by us.  E.g. shrink-wrapped bales of Ben Franklins, attractive interns, you know the drill.]
  10. An extremely tedious, dangerous, and useless procedure to establish a business license for: a) anybody who competes with a company already in place, and b) useless small businesses who don't believe in using leverage, clout, or violence when necessary, c) anybody who pays more than we do, and d) "honest" businessmen that make the rest of us look like dog shit.

11. (I know I said ten, but this one is for me.) A free house in an upscale trendy neighborhood with no taxes, maintenance, or utilities expense (oh yeah, and a new Jaguar in the garage) for any lobbyist who represents these corporations under a very exclusive contract.

That's it for now. You may as well write your governor and tell him to give in. When the good (business and banking) people of your state see this list they'll be so excited and happy at the prospect of an excited and happy business community that they'll give the governor no options.

As always,
Em.

*image ©Robert Lerich:BigStockPhoto.com