Em Gideon

What's With the Crappy Old Building?

2011-11-20T15:10:00.000-08:00

Question:
A question that came into our campaign office recently. Just a second --- What do you mean WHAT campaign office? Haven't you been paying attention? --- but as usual, I digress.

The REAL question is:

"Background check: You used to have a picture of a really nice mansion in the background, and now you have some ancient piece of crap. Why? Is there some special symbolism to it?"

Answer:
You had me going there. I turned around and looked behind me to see what the heck you were talking about then I realized you were asking about the website background. Well, I'm not exactly happy with it either, but here is what my advisers tell me to say: (the little dots, they tell me, mean that these are talking points)

There's been a lot of pissing and moaning about rich people lately, and so we changed the picture so we're not so much about an air of affluence with the campaign. (Whatever the hell an air of affluence means. Jeeze, affluence? Is that like when you have bad gas? Oh, sorry, that's effluence, I think.)
There's been a lot of pissing and moaning by rich people about people who aren't rich, and we figured we'd make them happy by telling them that government (I always thought that was govmint) is on the way out, as obsolete and decrepit as that old building.
There's been a lot of pissing and moaning by everybody that says people in congress can't get anthing done. Hell no, they can't. They're not supposed to. Getting things done would piss off all the people who pay congress not to get anything done.

That's all for now. Hope it's all as clear to you as 18 minutes on a Nixon tape.

Next time: Vice Presidential Choices.

Government Shutdown - Bring it On!

2011-04-08T07:44:00.000-07:00

Corbis

Let 'em shut down the government. We'll be strip-mining ALL the national parks by Monday morning.

Should Marriage be Sanct?

2011-04-01T11:25:00.000-07:00

Image - Corbis

OK, so I don't really know if sanct is a word. My spell checker says it's not, but my spell checker might have been written by one of those elitist bi-coastal liberals. (Anything with bi- in it has to be bad, right? I remember when I was ten and broke my arm riding a bi-cycle and the... oops, I digress.)

But what I'm talking about here is the Sanctity of Marriage. I don't really have a friggin' clue what sanctity means, but if the Republicans want it, it's got to be a good thing, right? (Even though the word sanctity can't be all good because it's got that obscene word 'tity' in it.)

What my great friends in Colorado have done over the past couple of days is a good thing, but I don't think they carried it far enough. Sure we don't want two people of the same sex to be married, because it isn't sanct. I don't think so anyway. Just like we don't want people to get married to other species, like Democrats.

If we don't want them to get married, then we also don't want them to have any of the benefits and legal shit that married people have. Insurance, hospitalization, library cards, tax deductions, you know the drill.

But I am proposing that we take it one step farther. The best way to keep marriage really and truly sanct is to go after people who do anything to threaten that sanctity (snork there's that word 'tity' again).

So here is my outline for the Colorado (and every other freakin' state except California) Marriage Sanctity Law:

Health insurance, life insurance, dental insurance, inheritances, tax deductions and two-for-one deals at Wendy's will be DENIED IN PERPETUITY to anyone who violates the SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE.

This includes, in addition to the aforementioned same sex couples, the following people:

Adulterers (politicians and preachers are not excluded)
Cheaters (same same politicians and preachers)
Lying Spouses (politicians and preachers can only lie at work not at home)
Wives who keep to their place in the world

In order receive, or continue to receive, benefits, EVERY MARRIED PERSON must take a Semi-Annual Lie Detector test to maintain eligibility. Furthermore...

Just a second, someone is talking to me...

Oh, excuse me. I just found out that we have Republican politicians and preachers who do some of the stuff I've listed about so...

Never mind.

Em.

How Can Your State be Business Friendly?

2011-02-27T14:40:00.000-08:00

*image ©Robert Lerich:BigStockPhoto.com

I told you back in December that I'd decided to become a lobbyist. Well, I have.

The adult entertainment industry offered me the most money (and fringe benefits) but it's pretty obvious that would damage my next chance of running for office in our fair state, or country, or continent. So I took the next best thing. The money's close and some of the fringes are comparable, although more discreet. [note to self: delete that last part before posting]

I am working with people at the highest levels of business (like this anonymous gentleman) to prepare for a number of upcoming conversations with state governors (including the guy that beat me) about how to make their states more business friendly.

It is important to note that the people I am working with have specifically instructed me that none of these items are made public until after the first round of gubernatorial meetings. But anyone who has followed my career for any length of time knows damned well that I am a maverick, a loose cannon...

My gun's cock is consistently at half-mast.

So here is the top ten list of ways your state can become more business friendly. When you look at them and read them carefully, you'll see that every single one makes perfect sense.

No corporate income, property, or sales taxes. (My helpful addition: for the top company in the state in any industry.)
No personal income taxes, property, or sales taxes for anyone making over ~~$1 million~~ per year. (I would change that to $500k, because that's what I make.)
Ban unions, the BBB, and media consumer advocates and investigative reporters.
Remove all restrictions on interest charges and collection methods.
Repeal any statute that makes fraud, deceptive advertising, or the manufacture of unsafe products illegal.
Cap all product liability suits to a maximum of $1 in penalty awards.
Blanket immunity from prosecution, tort liability, or alimony for anyone with a C-Suite job title and all boards-of-directors members.
Free water, electricity, streets, roads, and private police divisions.
Free fuel for corporate jets and a method to get "unidentified material" out of the U.S. and into foreign countries without the tedium of customs or security searches. [note: Unidentified materials can be any number of items, as defined by us. E.g. shrink-wrapped bales of Ben Franklins, attractive interns, you know the drill.]
An extremely tedious, dangerous, and useless procedure to establish a business license for: a) anybody who competes with a company already in place, and b) useless small businesses who don't believe in using leverage, clout, or violence when necessary, c) anybody who pays more than we do, and d) "honest" businessmen that make the rest of us look like dog shit.

11. (I know I said ten, but this one is for me.) A free house in an upscale trendy neighborhood with no taxes, maintenance, or utilities expense (oh yeah, and a new Jaguar in the garage) for any lobbyist who represents these corporations under a very exclusive contract.

That's it for now. You may as well write your governor and tell him to give in. When the good (business and banking) people of your state see this list they'll be so excited and happy at the prospect of an excited and happy business community that they'll give the governor no options.

As always,
Em.

*image ©Robert Lerich:BigStockPhoto.com

OK, So Maybe I'll Be a Lobbyist

2010-12-09T07:43:00.000-08:00

What the hell. I lost a couple of races. Is my political career over? Hell no it isn't.

I'm gonna be a lobbyist.

I don't have any job offers...yet. But I will soon, I just know it. I can twist an arm with the best of them.

I can help out anybody tired of "working the system" or who needs a way "in the back door." --- NOT THAT WAY!!

I'll have my business cards in a couple of days.

Sincerely,
Em

What I'll Do As Governor

2010-09-05T10:30:00.000-07:00

In case you haven't heard, I'm officially on the Colorado ballot this November as a candidate for governor. I'm happily running on the AWNP* ticket. Some people are surprised at this, but most of the people I know well are not.

"Good on ya, Em!"

I hear it two or three times a day. If that's any indicator, I should storm into office on about 2 1/2% of the vote. Don't laugh, I think it will be enough. And if I don't, I've got a plan there, too.

One thing we hear a lot this election year is "Why the hell are the conservatives putting idiots on the ballot to run against the Democrat? Don't they know they haven't got a chance?"

Hell yes, of course we know that, but we have a plan!

Listen everybody knows that the economy is going to suck for a long time since GWB encouraged thievery and graft by deregulating everything so all those little buggers trying to scramble up StevesBigList would have less to worry about (an more to owe conservative politicians.)

Colorado is really prime for our strategy because our good friend, and fellow URWN, Dougie BoomBoom has illegally gotten three measures on the ballot that will destroy the fiscal functionality of Colorado governments for decades.

Here is the main point to this: If we give the election over to the Dems without seeming to give it over, the whole collapse of city, county and state government in Colorado will be perceived to the THEIR FAULT for decades.

"Good plan, Em, but what if you do win?"

If (and that's a little if, not a big one, because I'm confident I can do this job... Hell, I ran for president in 2008, remember?) I am elected governor of the majestic state of Colorado, here is my first week in office:

Prepare a series of 208 weekly press releases explaining why the fiscal collapse of Colorado governments is not my fault, but my predecessors.
Ease the immigration problem by putting 24 hour guards at every highway, street, road, bike path and dirt trail crossing our borders.
Revoke the ordinances that make Boulder-Springs Metroplex a sanctuary for illegal immigrants.
Fund step number 2 by closing 60% of the schools. Hell, the only jobs left in the state will be border guards and we can train them in 8 weeks. The other 40% will be reserved for training corporate lawyers, CEOs, and the little guys in the cubicles who write the deceptive, but barely legal, language on bank statements, warranties, and a million other things.
Save money by shutting down all the water treatment plants in the state. Let people drink bottled water -- hell, somebody can make a profit at that! If they can't afford bottled water, let 'em drink store brand sodas.

That's pretty much it for now. I'm sure I'll think of more before election time with even more brilliant ideas.

*American ~~Wing Nut~~ Western National Party -- we started out as Tea Party, but hell that doesn't work for two reasons. a) Tea parties are for women and little girls, and b) a real redneck doesn't drink tea.

3 Things: Support for Revoking the 14th Amendment

2010-08-07T05:15:00.000-07:00

Recently a fellow conservative, and a United States Senator, from a southern state, of course, put out some damned good arguments for the repeal of the 14th Amendment (New York Times Article), but I, and a few other real conservatives have a couple or three discussion points.

What Senator Graham wants to do is repeal the Amendment because it grants automatic citizenship to anyone born in the USA! On the surface, that's a good thing, but...

One: A lot of my conservative friends, along with me, have been really pushing the phrase "If you weren't born here, get the F*** out!" in our campaigns, personal appearances, and speeches to the ladies aid societies. If we completely eliminate the 14th amendment, we'll have to go to all the trouble of thinking up something new... or paying somebody else to think it up for us.

Two: The logistics of this are pretty silly. What? We're gonna make every family that's not inbred back to 1776 take a naturalization test? (Of course I, and most of my conservative friends would be safe, bein' part of the inbred and all.)

Three: Changing the Constitution is a complicated process and there's a lot of damned amendments that should be revoked... Free speech for non-conservatives, freedom of religion, women's right to vote... if we're gonna kill the 14th, we ought to kill a lot of others, too. Maybe we should just repeal 'em all while we're at it. Except the 2nd, we gotta be able to keep our guns and backyard nukes...

Or pass a new amendment that says the only ones who can screw with the constitution are those of us that are inbred back to 1776. The REAL Americans.

3 Questions: Senate Confirmations

2010-05-11T06:33:00.000-07:00

People have been asking me a lot of questions about how we approach the senate confirmation of presidential appointees. You know, supreme court judges, cabinet guys, all that stuff.

I just want to let you all know that it's simple. From the Republican point of view, we have only three questions for any nominee.

1) Can you be bought? This one is important to most of us with an (R) behind our names. If you can't be bought, you can't be trusted to do the right thing.

2) How many guns do you own? Say what you will, but we all know that it's the gun lobby that keeps Americans truly free.

3) Do you know you'll go to hell if you don't see things our way? Everybody in the universe knows that the Good Lord is a Republican.

Now, get out there and find us some real nominees!

Em

3 Things: Clarifying Immigration Issues

2010-04-28T09:58:00.000-07:00

Wasting all of this time in congress over immigration is pissing me off. Me and a bunch of other people.

1) We got here first! OK, maybe we didn't really get her first, but we blew the shit out of anyone who was already here so --- get over it!

2) We built this freakin' country. Who do you think brought in all the slaves to till the land, grow the crops, and pour our freakin' mint juleps? Who do you think created pennies a day, screw it --- pennies a week, jobs for the freakin' impoverished and starving Irish and Chinese to build the damned railroads? Don't forget the miners and the guys on the damned oil rigs.

3) We run the joint. Who the hell else bribed and cajoled all of the politicians to pass the damned laws that let us blacken the freakin' skies, lie about friggin' financial derivatives, and come down hard on all the freakin' unions?

In summary, it's as simple as this.

If your family fortune didn't come from genocide, slavery, working people to death in dangerous environments, and generally nefarious, dishonest, and criminal activities then just...

GET THE HELL OUT OF DODGE AND GO BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM! Let the rest of us get on with makin' a buck or two.

Em

3 Things: Finance Reform (Screw it)

2010-04-26T13:22:00.000-07:00

1) To all you fellow Republicans who are thinking of voting FOR this shit...

What? Are you freakin' CRAZY?

You want to give up millions of dollars in campaign contributions (and that's just the part that's above the table)?

You want to give up your freakin' junkets to the Caymans and Switzerland to "study" the aspects of global finance?

You think people who work for a living have the same goddamn rights to excess as people who own shit?

2) Life isn't fair.

Is it our freakin' fault the fine print in most banking documents is designed to slowly suck the resources from anybody who does business with them?

Is it our freakin' fault that most educated financial people in the world can't understand the freakin' derivatives, hidden assets, and bonus compensation structures?

Hell no it's not. The freakin' bankers themselves can't even understand that shit, let alone regulators and stockholders, but they're making money. So leave them the fuck alone!

3) You've gotta get down on your knees and thank the Lord he made you a Republican.
What? You wanna care about shit? You wanna care about the little people?

Screw it! GO MAKE MONEY. And keep those campaign contributions comin'

Em

3 Things: UN Gun Plan

2009-11-28T08:04:00.000-08:00

I have just proposed a ballot measure for great people of the State of Colorado.
What we want is for the current administration to get the hell out of Dodge on this new United Nations gun restriction initiative. So what if a ballot referendum isn't going to lock anybody into a vote on this U.N. crap, it will send a powerful message in support of the following three points:

1) We need to stop this headlong slide down the stinky slippery slope of a measure that will without a doubt result in the confiscation of guns from real Americans. (def. Real American, an American who has one or more guns)

2) We need to stop this intrusion into business that is good for America. This U.N. measure will radically restrict (did you catch that word radical?) international gun trade. OK, so it's international, but it still could end up in the confiscations I mentioned in point one. Besides, we got a lot of companies who make a lot of big money (repeat for emphasis - BIG MONEY) selling weapons around the world, most of the time to both sides (in fairness, of course). Maybe none of these companies actually hire Americans anymore, but I'm pretty sure at least some of this money will filter back into our economy somehow, like when congressmen like me pay our bills for internet porn and pay out a couple of bucks an hour to our illegal alien housekeepers and gardeners.

3) We need to get this stuff under control before I make my proposal to change the Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution so it requires all Americans to own weapons.

Disclaimer: The three week Mediterranean cruise that my wife, Bethany, and I went on last spring has nothing to to with this. Even if it was paid for by a coalition of the gun and free distribution of nukes lobbies. Hell, there were at least a hundred congressmen on that cruise.

Good thing I can keep a secret.

2009-11-25T16:49:00.000-08:00

Now that everybody in the world knows that I'm thinking about a run for governor of Colorado, I'm not surprised that I got a call from the boys over on C Street.

Hush hush and all...

You didn't hear it from me.

What boys? C Street?

Shh-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h

Hmm... Maybe Governor, What do You Think?

2009-11-15T14:05:00.000-08:00

OK, so we know the president thing didn't exactly work out as well as it could have last year. I did meet some interesting people on my MySpace page, but that's about as far as the campaign went. There were, of course, those rumors that I pulled out of the race at the last minute in response to a promise of bailout money. Which rumors I categorically deny.

So, I'm having lunch at the Petroleum Club (where else?) with some buddies earlier this week about next steps. See... If I can't keep moving forward in political circles it's going to get a bit challenging to pay my bills and keep up appearances... (but I digress).

The thing that caught just about everbody's attention around the table (except for ole Big Willie DuMont from CORE Airways who was too busy stuffing Kobe steak down his gullet) was the idea of me running for governor in the next election.

I could accomplish a lot of things that are on our party's agenda.

Immigration: If Washington won't protect our borders, I'll build a freakin' fence around Colorado. Keep 'em out of YOUR wallets anyway.

RINOs: We've got just about as many REAL Republicans here as anywhere in the country. I'd be happy to give 'em a voice. (And maybe a little helpful legislation to quiet down the damned liberals.)

Anyways, that's the deal. Let me know what you think.

It's the Damned Middle Class

2009-11-14T07:33:00.000-08:00

A lot of people, including the new administration, have been tossing around a lot of reasons for the economic mess we're in. Some blame it on our dependence on foreign oil. Some blame it on the balance of trade. Some blame it on globalization and out sourcing.

But I'm here today to tell you damned well what the source of the problem is.

The American Middle Class.

You read it right, the middle class. Years ago, when we had People That Matter controlling all the capital, all the land, all the resources, the rest of the American people knew their place. Sun comes up, you go to work. Sun goes down, you go to sleep. Next day, you do it all over again.

There was no need for the workers to learn how to read, how to write. Things like that were just a distraction from what they're supposed to be doing.

Repeat after me:
Sun comes up, go to work. Sun goes down, go to sleep. Next day, do it all over again.

Don't complain about how much money you're making (or not making). Just do your job the way you're told.

Then, somehow, we're pretty sure the damned labor unions had something to do with it, everything went to hell. The American working class started wanting to take a day or two off EVERY WEEK.

We bent, and gave 'em Sundays, but it wasn't enough. Pretty soon, they had enough time to start thinking about things. Next thing you know, they had enough time to learn how to read. Wasn't too long before they decided that EVERYBODY ought to know how to read.

We began the long road to inevitable decay of our well organized society. All of a sudden, people wanted to be able to have some daylight at the end of their workday and conspired with the Communists to pass daylight savings time, get 40 hour weeks and all that other stuff that just destroyed productivity.

The worst part is when they found out that having all this leisure time gave them a) much too much time to think about what they didn't have and b) thought that maybe they deserved some entertainment time.

We should have been able to predict what would happen next, but obviously we didn't. Actors and writers started demanding as much money as the guys (People That Matter) who ran the studios. Baseball and football players decided that they should make enough money to be able to live after age or an injury killed their careers.

The worst part of all of this is that average Americans began to think of themselves as People That Matter. Hell even artists and musicians began to think that way. Can you imagine a freakin' songwriter thinking "I'm a Person That Matters"?

The final decay began with these people began to think that dishwashing, gardening, pig sty cleaning, and sweeping up poop behind the elephants in a parade were all jobs that they were too good for.

What the hell? Somebody's got to be a nanny. Somebody's got to serve me my meals. Somebody's got to pick up after me when I trash a hotel room.

When Americans wouldn't do this stuff anymore who do you think did? Immigrants, that's who!
'Nuf said.

We MUST get back to the days when People That Matter are the ONLY people that matter, and June Cleaver can't read anything more complex than a cookbook.

Today is a Sad Day in History

2009-11-07T13:50:00.000-08:00

First of all, I want to start out by sayin' that true conservatives think that Sarah Palin probably the best damned politician a woman can ever be. If ever a woman actually COULD be the Veep of the US, it would be her.

Then we've got people like Dede Scazzafava, but we know the tradition SHE came from.

Our party started goin' straight to hell ninety-three years ago today when a WOMAN, Jeanette Rankin, on the REPUBLICAN TICKET became the first woman elected to congress. She and the men who put her on the ticket were the first RINOs in history.

What the HELL were they thinking? What? She didn't have socks to darn or a stew to cook?

Later on, she was one of the founding members of the ACLU for craps sake and in 1940 ran on an anti-war platform.

Sheesh!

And they smell pretty good

2009-11-04T06:36:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, we talked about sniffin' the winds of change with the off-year elections. From our point of view, they smell pretty damned good. New governors in Virginia and New Jersey (who'da thunk that?). Two out of four isn't bad.

I'm sure there are going to be some strong words for the people in upstate New York district 23. Who the hell do they think they are? Do they think they're smarter than the National Committee? Do they think the NC actually gives a crap about their point of view?

I personally think they're taking this LOCAL stuff too far. We've spent years and millions of dollars to convince middle America that we're smarter than they are, and what? They shove it back in our faces?

Just wait and see what kind of support upstate New York gets when the Russki's start parachuting in.

Sniffin' the winds of change

2009-11-03T09:24:00.000-08:00

Today's a big day around the country. After a year of liberal chaos we're about to take the temperature of the new America. Throughout the country URWs have been shoving the pretenders out of contention in local elections.

Hell, I know that we're supposed to be for LOCAL control, but this is different. Addy and the boys taught us in 1933 that LOCAL control only works when the local pols are ridin' the right set of tracks, and we know damned well that MODERATION is NOT the right set of tracks to be ridin'.

We're fighting an uphill battle, boys, and it's gonna continue. When those local RINO leaders step out of line, by God we've got to set them straight. We've got to keep more of our people from joining that upstart PNCP.

Some people have questioned the decision to put me at the head of our party's URW faction. They wonder what some flyover country "bumpkin" is gonna do for them. I'll tell you.

The majority of real Americans, the true conservatives come from flyover country. Nebraska, Kansas, Texas, Oklahoma, and of course my home state, Colorado, are just a few of what the liberal media call the Red states.

They, I'm talking about all the media except for OUR network, thought they could piss us off by calling us Reds. Red state this, and Red state that. Well, I'll tell you, we just shoved it back in their faces.

Red starts with 'R' and so does RIGHT.
There is a reason people call us the RIGHT, it's because we ARE.
'R' is also the beginning letter of our party's name. OK, we were originally the Tories, but that was a hell of a long time ago. Back when we had a real king, and people respected us for what we had.
The final reason being called Red states works for us is that 'R' is also the beginning letter of the word REAL. That's who we are, the party of REAL Americans.

Over the next few weeks we're going to use this blog to do some education. We're going to analyze the constitution and tell you what that stuff really means. We're going to tell you everything you need to know to get back on track.

For today. Let's just hope this wave of change succeeds.