What I'll Do As Governor

In case you haven't heard, I'm officially on the Colorado ballot this November as a candidate for governor. I'm happily running on the AWNP* ticket. Some people are surprised at this, but most of the people I know well are not.

"Good on ya, Em!"

I hear it two or three times a day. If that's any indicator, I should storm into office on about 2 1/2% of the vote. Don't laugh, I think it will be enough. And if I don't, I've got a plan there, too.

One thing we hear a lot this election year is "Why the hell are the conservatives putting idiots on the ballot to run against the Democrat? Don't they know they haven't got a chance?"

Hell yes, of course we know that, but we have a plan!

Listen everybody knows that the economy is going to suck for a long time since GWB encouraged thievery and graft by deregulating everything so all those little buggers trying to scramble up StevesBigList would have less to worry about (an more to owe conservative politicians.)

Colorado is really prime for our strategy because our good friend, and fellow URWN, Dougie BoomBoom has illegally gotten three measures on the ballot that will destroy the fiscal functionality of Colorado governments for decades.

Here is the main point to this: If we give the election over to the Dems without seeming to give it over, the whole collapse of city, county and state government in Colorado will be perceived to the THEIR FAULT for decades.

"Good plan, Em, but what if you do win?"

If (and that's a little if, not a big one, because I'm confident I can do this job... Hell, I ran for president in 2008, remember?) I am elected governor of the majestic state of Colorado, here is my first week in office:

1. Prepare a series of 208 weekly press releases explaining why the fiscal collapse of Colorado governments is not my fault, but my predecessors.
2. Ease the immigration problem by putting 24 hour guards at every highway, street, road, bike path and dirt trail crossing our borders.
3. Revoke the ordinances that make Boulder-Springs Metroplex a sanctuary for illegal immigrants.
4. Fund step number 2 by closing 60% of the schools. Hell, the only jobs left in the state will be border guards and we can train them in 8 weeks. The other 40% will be reserved for training corporate lawyers, CEOs, and the little guys in the cubicles who write the deceptive, but barely legal, language on bank statements, warranties, and a million other things.
5. Save money by shutting down all the water treatment plants in the state. Let people drink bottled water -- hell, somebody can make a profit at that! If they can't afford bottled water, let 'em drink store brand sodas.

That's pretty much it for now. I'm sure I'll think of more before election time with even more brilliant ideas.


*American Wing Nut Western National Party -- we started out as Tea Party, but hell that doesn't work for two reasons. a) Tea parties are for women and little girls, and b) a real redneck doesn't drink tea.