What I'll Do As Governor

In case you haven't heard, I'm officially on the Colorado ballot this November as a candidate for governor. I'm happily running on the AWNP* ticket. Some people are surprised at this, but most of the people I know well are not.

"Good on ya, Em!"

I hear it two or three times a day. If that's any indicator, I should storm into office on about 2 1/2% of the vote. Don't laugh, I think it will be enough. And if I don't, I've got a plan there, too.

One thing we hear a lot this election year is "Why the hell are the conservatives putting idiots on the ballot to run against the Democrat? Don't they know they haven't got a chance?"

Hell yes, of course we know that, but we have a plan!

Listen everybody knows that the economy is going to suck for a long time since GWB encouraged thievery and graft by deregulating everything so all those little buggers trying to scramble up StevesBigList would have less to worry about (an more to owe conservative politicians.)

Colorado is really prime for our strategy because our good friend, and fellow URWN, Dougie BoomBoom has illegally gotten three measures on the ballot that will destroy the fiscal functionality of Colorado governments for decades.

Here is the main point to this: If we give the election over to the Dems without seeming to give it over, the whole collapse of city, county and state government in Colorado will be perceived to the THEIR FAULT for decades.

"Good plan, Em, but what if you do win?"

If (and that's a little if, not a big one, because I'm confident I can do this job... Hell, I ran for president in 2008, remember?) I am elected governor of the majestic state of Colorado, here is my first week in office:

1. Prepare a series of 208 weekly press releases explaining why the fiscal collapse of Colorado governments is not my fault, but my predecessors.
2. Ease the immigration problem by putting 24 hour guards at every highway, street, road, bike path and dirt trail crossing our borders.
3. Revoke the ordinances that make Boulder-Springs Metroplex a sanctuary for illegal immigrants.
4. Fund step number 2 by closing 60% of the schools. Hell, the only jobs left in the state will be border guards and we can train them in 8 weeks. The other 40% will be reserved for training corporate lawyers, CEOs, and the little guys in the cubicles who write the deceptive, but barely legal, language on bank statements, warranties, and a million other things.
5. Save money by shutting down all the water treatment plants in the state. Let people drink bottled water -- hell, somebody can make a profit at that! If they can't afford bottled water, let 'em drink store brand sodas.

That's pretty much it for now. I'm sure I'll think of more before election time with even more brilliant ideas.


*American Wing Nut Western National Party -- we started out as Tea Party, but hell that doesn't work for two reasons. a) Tea parties are for women and little girls, and b) a real redneck doesn't drink tea.

3 Things: Support for Revoking the 14th Amendment

Recently a fellow conservative, and a United States Senator, from a southern state, of course, put out some damned good arguments for the repeal of the 14th Amendment (New York Times Article), but I, and a few other real conservatives have a couple or three discussion points.

What Senator Graham wants to do is repeal the Amendment because it grants automatic citizenship to anyone born in the USA! On the surface, that's a good thing, but...


One: A lot of my conservative friends, along with me, have been really pushing the phrase "If you weren't born here, get the F*** out!" in our campaigns, personal appearances, and speeches to the ladies aid societies. If we completely eliminate the 14th amendment, we'll have to go to all the trouble of thinking up something new... or paying somebody else to think it up for us.

Two: The logistics of this are pretty silly. What? We're gonna make every family that's not inbred back to 1776 take a naturalization test? (Of course I, and most of my conservative friends would be safe, bein' part of the inbred and all.)


Three: Changing the Constitution is a complicated process and there's a lot of damned amendments that should be revoked... Free speech for  non-conservatives, freedom of religion, women's right to vote... if we're gonna kill the 14th, we ought to kill a lot of others, too. Maybe we should just repeal 'em all while we're at it. Except the 2nd, we gotta be able to keep our guns and backyard nukes...

Or pass a new amendment that says the only ones who can screw with the constitution are those of us that are inbred back to 1776. The REAL Americans.

3 Things: Clarifying Immigration Issues

Wasting all of this time in congress over immigration is pissing me off. Me and a bunch of other people.

1) We got here first! OK, maybe we didn't really get her first, but we blew the shit out of anyone who was already here so --- get over it!

2) We built this freakin' country. Who do you think brought in all the slaves to till the land, grow the crops, and pour our freakin' mint juleps? Who do you think created pennies a day, screw it --- pennies a week, jobs for the freakin' impoverished and starving Irish and Chinese to build the damned railroads? Don't forget the miners and the guys on the damned oil rigs.

3) We run the joint. Who the hell else bribed and cajoled all of the politicians to pass the damned laws that let us blacken the freakin' skies, lie about friggin' financial derivatives, and come down hard on all the freakin' unions?

In summary, it's as simple as this.

If your family fortune didn't come from genocide, slavery, working people to death in dangerous environments, and generally nefarious, dishonest, and criminal activities then just...

GET THE HELL OUT OF DODGE AND GO BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM! Let the rest of us get on with makin' a buck or two.

Em

Hmm... Maybe Governor, What do You Think?

OK, so we know the president thing didn't exactly work out as well as it could have last year. I did meet some interesting people on my MySpace page, but that's about as far as the campaign went. There were, of course, those rumors that I pulled out of the race at the last minute in response to a promise of bailout money. Which rumors I categorically deny.

So, I'm having lunch at the Petroleum Club (where else?) with some buddies earlier this week about next steps. See... If I can't keep moving forward in political circles it's going to get a bit challenging to pay my bills and keep up appearances... (but I digress).

The thing that caught just about everbody's attention around the table (except for ole Big Willie DuMont from CORE Airways who was too busy stuffing Kobe steak down his gullet) was the idea of me running for governor in the next election.

I could accomplish a lot of things that are on our party's agenda.

Immigration: If Washington won't protect our borders, I'll build a freakin' fence around Colorado. Keep 'em out of YOUR wallets anyway.

RINOs: We've got just about as many REAL Republicans here as anywhere in the country. I'd be happy to give 'em a voice. (And maybe a little helpful legislation to quiet down the damned liberals.)

Anyways, that's the deal. Let me know what you think.

It's the Damned Middle Class

A lot of people, including the new administration, have been tossing around a lot of reasons for the economic mess we're in. Some blame it on our dependence on foreign oil. Some blame it on the balance of trade. Some blame it on globalization and out sourcing.

But I'm here today to tell you damned well what the source of the problem is.

The American Middle Class.

You read it right, the middle class. Years ago, when we had People That Matter controlling all the capital, all the land, all the resources, the rest of the American people knew their place. Sun comes up, you go to work. Sun goes down, you go to sleep. Next day, you do it all over again.

There was no need for the workers to learn how to read, how to write. Things like that were just a distraction from what they're supposed to be doing.

Repeat after me:
Sun comes up, go to work. Sun goes down, go to sleep. Next day, do it all over again.

Don't complain about how much money you're making (or not making). Just do your job the way you're told.

Then, somehow, we're pretty sure the damned labor unions had something to do with it, everything went to hell. The American working class started wanting to take a day or two off EVERY WEEK.

We bent, and gave 'em Sundays, but it wasn't enough. Pretty soon, they had enough time to start thinking about things. Next thing you know, they had enough time to learn how to read. Wasn't too long before they decided that EVERYBODY ought to know how to read.

We began the long road to inevitable decay of our well organized society. All of a sudden, people wanted to be able to have some daylight at the end of their workday and conspired with the Communists to pass daylight savings time, get 40 hour weeks and all that other stuff that just destroyed productivity.

The worst part is when they found out that having all this leisure time gave them a) much too much time to think about what they didn't have and b) thought that maybe they deserved some entertainment time.

We should have been able to predict what would happen next, but obviously we didn't. Actors and writers started demanding as much money as the guys (People That Matter) who ran the studios. Baseball and football players decided that they should make enough money to be able to live after age or an injury killed their careers.

The worst part of all of this is that average Americans began to think of themselves as People That Matter. Hell even artists and musicians began to think that way. Can you imagine a freakin' songwriter thinking "I'm a Person That Matters"?

The final decay began with these people began to think that dishwashing, gardening, pig sty cleaning, and sweeping up poop behind the elephants in a parade were all jobs that they were too good for.

What the hell? Somebody's got to be a nanny. Somebody's got to serve me my meals. Somebody's got to pick up after me when I trash a hotel room.

When Americans wouldn't do this stuff anymore who do you think did? Immigrants, that's who!
'Nuf said.

We MUST get back to the days when People That Matter are the ONLY people that matter, and June Cleaver can't read anything more complex than a cookbook.