What I'll Do As Governor

In case you haven't heard, I'm officially on the Colorado ballot this November as a candidate for governor. I'm happily running on the AWNP* ticket. Some people are surprised at this, but most of the people I know well are not.

"Good on ya, Em!"

I hear it two or three times a day. If that's any indicator, I should storm into office on about 2 1/2% of the vote. Don't laugh, I think it will be enough. And if I don't, I've got a plan there, too.

One thing we hear a lot this election year is "Why the hell are the conservatives putting idiots on the ballot to run against the Democrat? Don't they know they haven't got a chance?"

Hell yes, of course we know that, but we have a plan!

Listen everybody knows that the economy is going to suck for a long time since GWB encouraged thievery and graft by deregulating everything so all those little buggers trying to scramble up StevesBigList would have less to worry about (an more to owe conservative politicians.)

Colorado is really prime for our strategy because our good friend, and fellow URWN, Dougie BoomBoom has illegally gotten three measures on the ballot that will destroy the fiscal functionality of Colorado governments for decades.

Here is the main point to this: If we give the election over to the Dems without seeming to give it over, the whole collapse of city, county and state government in Colorado will be perceived to the THEIR FAULT for decades.

"Good plan, Em, but what if you do win?"

If (and that's a little if, not a big one, because I'm confident I can do this job... Hell, I ran for president in 2008, remember?) I am elected governor of the majestic state of Colorado, here is my first week in office:

1. Prepare a series of 208 weekly press releases explaining why the fiscal collapse of Colorado governments is not my fault, but my predecessors.
2. Ease the immigration problem by putting 24 hour guards at every highway, street, road, bike path and dirt trail crossing our borders.
3. Revoke the ordinances that make Boulder-Springs Metroplex a sanctuary for illegal immigrants.
4. Fund step number 2 by closing 60% of the schools. Hell, the only jobs left in the state will be border guards and we can train them in 8 weeks. The other 40% will be reserved for training corporate lawyers, CEOs, and the little guys in the cubicles who write the deceptive, but barely legal, language on bank statements, warranties, and a million other things.
5. Save money by shutting down all the water treatment plants in the state. Let people drink bottled water -- hell, somebody can make a profit at that! If they can't afford bottled water, let 'em drink store brand sodas.

That's pretty much it for now. I'm sure I'll think of more before election time with even more brilliant ideas.


*American Wing Nut Western National Party -- we started out as Tea Party, but hell that doesn't work for two reasons. a) Tea parties are for women and little girls, and b) a real redneck doesn't drink tea.

3 Things: Support for Revoking the 14th Amendment

Recently a fellow conservative, and a United States Senator, from a southern state, of course, put out some damned good arguments for the repeal of the 14th Amendment (New York Times Article), but I, and a few other real conservatives have a couple or three discussion points.

What Senator Graham wants to do is repeal the Amendment because it grants automatic citizenship to anyone born in the USA! On the surface, that's a good thing, but...


One: A lot of my conservative friends, along with me, have been really pushing the phrase "If you weren't born here, get the F*** out!" in our campaigns, personal appearances, and speeches to the ladies aid societies. If we completely eliminate the 14th amendment, we'll have to go to all the trouble of thinking up something new... or paying somebody else to think it up for us.

Two: The logistics of this are pretty silly. What? We're gonna make every family that's not inbred back to 1776 take a naturalization test? (Of course I, and most of my conservative friends would be safe, bein' part of the inbred and all.)


Three: Changing the Constitution is a complicated process and there's a lot of damned amendments that should be revoked... Free speech for  non-conservatives, freedom of religion, women's right to vote... if we're gonna kill the 14th, we ought to kill a lot of others, too. Maybe we should just repeal 'em all while we're at it. Except the 2nd, we gotta be able to keep our guns and backyard nukes...

Or pass a new amendment that says the only ones who can screw with the constitution are those of us that are inbred back to 1776. The REAL Americans.