Should Marriage be Sanct?

Image - Corbis

OK, so I don't really know if sanct is a word. My spell checker says it's not, but my spell checker might have been written by one of those elitist bi-coastal liberals. (Anything with bi- in it has to be bad, right? I remember when I was ten and broke my arm riding a bi-cycle and the... oops, I digress.)

But what I'm talking about here is the Sanctity of Marriage. I don't really have a friggin' clue what sanctity means, but if the Republicans want it, it's got to be a good thing, right? (Even though the word sanctity can't be all good because it's got that obscene word 'tity' in it.)

What my great friends in Colorado have done over the past couple of days is a good thing, but I don't think they carried it far enough. Sure we don't want two people of the same sex to be married, because it isn't sanct. I don't think so anyway. Just like we don't want people to get married to other species, like Democrats.

If we don't want them to get married, then we also don't want them to have any of the benefits and legal shit that married people have. Insurance, hospitalization, library cards, tax deductions, you know the drill.

But I am proposing that we take it one step farther. The best way to keep marriage really and truly sanct is to go after people who do anything to threaten that sanctity (snork there's that word 'tity' again).

So here is my outline for the Colorado (and every other freakin' state except California) Marriage Sanctity Law:

Health insurance, life insurance, dental insurance, inheritances, tax deductions and two-for-one deals at Wendy's will be DENIED IN PERPETUITY to anyone who violates the SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE.

This includes, in addition to the aforementioned same sex couples, the following people:

• Adulterers (politicians and preachers are not excluded)
• Cheaters (same same politicians and preachers)
• Lying Spouses (politicians and preachers can only lie at work not at home)
• Wives who keep to their place in the world

In order receive, or continue to receive, benefits, EVERY MARRIED PERSON must take a Semi-Annual Lie Detector test to maintain eligibility. Furthermore...

Just a second, someone is talking to me...

Oh, excuse me. I just found out that we have Republican politicians and preachers who do some of the stuff I've listed about so...

Never mind.

Em.