What's With the Crappy Old Building?

Question:
A question that came into our campaign office recently. Just a second --- What do you mean WHAT campaign office? Haven't you been paying attention? --- but as usual, I digress.

The REAL question is:

"Background check: You used to have a picture of a really nice mansion in the background, and now you have some ancient piece of crap. Why? Is there some special symbolism to it?"

Answer:
You had me going there. I turned around and looked behind me to see what the heck you were talking about then I realized you were asking about the website background. Well, I'm not exactly happy with it either, but here is what my advisers tell me to say: (the little dots, they tell me, mean that these are talking points)

• There's been a lot of pissing and moaning about rich people lately, and so we changed the picture so we're not so much about an air of affluence with the campaign. (Whatever the hell an air of affluence means. Jeeze, affluence? Is that like when you have bad gas? Oh, sorry, that's effluence, I think.)
• There's been a lot of pissing and moaning by rich people about people who aren't rich, and we figured we'd make them happy by telling them that government (I always thought that was govmint) is on the way out, as obsolete and decrepit as that old building.
• There's been a lot of pissing and moaning by everybody that says people in congress can't get anthing done. Hell no, they can't. They're not supposed to. Getting things done would piss off all the people who pay congress not to get anything done.

That's all for now. Hope it's all as clear to you as 18 minutes on a Nixon tape.

Next time: Vice Presidential Choices.

Government Shutdown - Bring it On!

Corbis

Let 'em shut down the government. We'll be strip-mining ALL the national parks by Monday morning.

Should Marriage be Sanct?

Image - Corbis

OK, so I don't really know if sanct is a word. My spell checker says it's not, but my spell checker might have been written by one of those elitist bi-coastal liberals. (Anything with bi- in it has to be bad, right? I remember when I was ten and broke my arm riding a bi-cycle and the... oops, I digress.)

But what I'm talking about here is the Sanctity of Marriage. I don't really have a friggin' clue what sanctity means, but if the Republicans want it, it's got to be a good thing, right? (Even though the word sanctity can't be all good because it's got that obscene word 'tity' in it.)

What my great friends in Colorado have done over the past couple of days is a good thing, but I don't think they carried it far enough. Sure we don't want two people of the same sex to be married, because it isn't sanct. I don't think so anyway. Just like we don't want people to get married to other species, like Democrats.

If we don't want them to get married, then we also don't want them to have any of the benefits and legal shit that married people have. Insurance, hospitalization, library cards, tax deductions, you know the drill.

But I am proposing that we take it one step farther. The best way to keep marriage really and truly sanct is to go after people who do anything to threaten that sanctity (snork there's that word 'tity' again).

So here is my outline for the Colorado (and every other freakin' state except California) Marriage Sanctity Law:

Health insurance, life insurance, dental insurance, inheritances, tax deductions and two-for-one deals at Wendy's will be DENIED IN PERPETUITY to anyone who violates the SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE.

This includes, in addition to the aforementioned same sex couples, the following people:

• Adulterers (politicians and preachers are not excluded)
• Cheaters (same same politicians and preachers)
• Lying Spouses (politicians and preachers can only lie at work not at home)
• Wives who keep to their place in the world

In order receive, or continue to receive, benefits, EVERY MARRIED PERSON must take a Semi-Annual Lie Detector test to maintain eligibility. Furthermore...

Just a second, someone is talking to me...

Oh, excuse me. I just found out that we have Republican politicians and preachers who do some of the stuff I've listed about so...

Never mind.

Em.

How Can Your State be Business Friendly?

I told you back in December that I'd decided to become a lobbyist. Well, I have.

The adult entertainment industry offered me the most money (and fringe benefits) but it's pretty obvious that would damage my next chance of running for office in our fair state, or country, or continent. So I took the next best thing. The money's close and some of the fringes are comparable, although more discreet. [note to self: delete that last part before posting]

I am working with people at the highest levels of business (like this anonymous gentleman) to prepare for a number of upcoming conversations with state governors (including the guy that beat me) about how to make their states more business friendly.

It is important to note that the people I am working with have specifically instructed me that none of these items are made public until after the first round of gubernatorial meetings. But anyone who has followed my career for any length of time knows damned well that I am a maverick, a loose cannon...

My gun's cock is consistently at half-mast.

So here is the top ten list of ways your state can become more business friendly. When you look at them and read them carefully, you'll see that every single one makes perfect sense.

1. No corporate income, property, or sales taxes. (My helpful addition: for the top company in the state in any industry.)
2. No personal income taxes, property, or sales taxes for anyone making over $1 million per year. (I would change that to $500k, because that's what I make.)
3. Ban unions, the BBB, and media consumer advocates and investigative reporters.
4. Remove all restrictions on interest charges and collection methods.
5. Repeal any statute that makes fraud, deceptive advertising, or the manufacture of unsafe products illegal.
6. Cap all product liability suits to a maximum of $1 in penalty awards.
7. Blanket immunity from prosecution, tort liability, or alimony for anyone with a C-Suite job title and all boards-of-directors members.
8. Free water, electricity, streets, roads, and private police divisions.
9. Free fuel for corporate jets and a method to get "unidentified material" out of the U.S. and into foreign countries without the tedium of customs or security searches. [note: Unidentified materials can be any number of items, as defined by us.  E.g. shrink-wrapped bales of Ben Franklins, attractive interns, you know the drill.]
10. An extremely tedious, dangerous, and useless procedure to establish a business license for: a) anybody who competes with a company already in place, and b) useless small businesses who don't believe in using leverage, clout, or violence when necessary, c) anybody who pays more than we do, and d) "honest" businessmen that make the rest of us look like dog shit.

11. (I know I said ten, but this one is for me.) A free house in an upscale trendy neighborhood with no taxes, maintenance, or utilities expense (oh yeah, and a new Jaguar in the garage) for any lobbyist who represents these corporations under a very exclusive contract.

That's it for now. You may as well write your governor and tell him to give in. When the good (business and banking) people of your state see this list they'll be so excited and happy at the prospect of an excited and happy business community that they'll give the governor no options.

As always,
Em.

*image ©Robert Lerich:BigStockPhoto.com