3 Questions: Senate Confirmations

People have been asking me a lot of questions about how we approach the senate confirmation of presidential appointees. You know, supreme court judges, cabinet guys, all that stuff.

I just want to let you all know that it's simple. From the Republican point of view, we have only three questions for any nominee.

1) Can you be bought? This one is important to most of us with an (R) behind our names. If you can't be bought, you can't be trusted to do the right thing.

2) How many guns do you own? Say what you will, but we all know that it's the gun lobby that keeps Americans truly free.

3) Do you know you'll go to hell if you don't see things our way? Everybody in the universe knows that the Good Lord is a Republican.

Now, get out there and find us some real nominees!

Em

3 Things: Clarifying Immigration Issues

Wasting all of this time in congress over immigration is pissing me off. Me and a bunch of other people.

1) We got here first! OK, maybe we didn't really get her first, but we blew the shit out of anyone who was already here so --- get over it!

2) We built this freakin' country. Who do you think brought in all the slaves to till the land, grow the crops, and pour our freakin' mint juleps? Who do you think created pennies a day, screw it --- pennies a week, jobs for the freakin' impoverished and starving Irish and Chinese to build the damned railroads? Don't forget the miners and the guys on the damned oil rigs.

3) We run the joint. Who the hell else bribed and cajoled all of the politicians to pass the damned laws that let us blacken the freakin' skies, lie about friggin' financial derivatives, and come down hard on all the freakin' unions?

In summary, it's as simple as this.

If your family fortune didn't come from genocide, slavery, working people to death in dangerous environments, and generally nefarious, dishonest, and criminal activities then just...

GET THE HELL OUT OF DODGE AND GO BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM! Let the rest of us get on with makin' a buck or two.

Em

3 Things: Finance Reform (Screw it)

1) To all you fellow Republicans who are thinking of voting FOR this shit...

What? Are you freakin' CRAZY?

You want to give up millions of dollars in campaign contributions (and that's just the part that's above the table)?

You want to give up your freakin' junkets to the Caymans and Switzerland to "study" the aspects of global finance?

You think people who work for a living have the same goddamn rights to excess as people who own shit?

2) Life isn't fair.

Is it our freakin' fault the fine print in most banking documents is designed to slowly suck the resources from anybody who does business with them?

Is it our freakin' fault that most educated financial people in the world can't understand the freakin' derivatives, hidden assets, and bonus compensation structures?

Hell no it's not. The freakin' bankers themselves can't even understand that shit, let alone regulators and stockholders, but they're making money. So leave them the fuck alone!

3) You've gotta get down on your knees and thank the Lord he made you a Republican.
What? You wanna care about shit? You wanna care about the little people?

Screw it! GO MAKE MONEY. And keep those campaign contributions comin'

Em

3 Things: UN Gun Plan

I have just proposed a ballot measure for great people of the State of Colorado.
What we want is for the current administration to get the hell out of Dodge on this new United Nations gun restriction initiative. So what if a ballot referendum isn't going to lock anybody into a vote on this U.N. crap, it will send a powerful message in support of the following three points:

1) We need to stop this headlong slide down the stinky slippery slope of a measure that will without a doubt result in the confiscation of guns from real Americans. (def. Real American, an American who has one or more guns)

2) We need to stop this intrusion into business that is good for America. This U.N. measure will radically restrict (did you catch that word radical?) international gun trade. OK, so it's international, but it still could end up in the confiscations I mentioned in point one. Besides, we got a lot of companies who make a lot of big money (repeat for emphasis - BIG MONEY) selling weapons around the world, most of the time to both sides (in fairness, of course). Maybe none of these companies actually hire Americans anymore, but I'm pretty sure at least some of this money will filter back into our economy somehow, like when congressmen like me pay our bills for internet porn and pay out a couple of bucks an hour to our illegal alien housekeepers and gardeners.

3) We need to get this stuff under control before I make my proposal to change the Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution so it requires all Americans to own weapons.

Disclaimer: The three week Mediterranean cruise that my wife, Bethany, and I went on last spring has nothing to to with this. Even if it was paid for by a coalition of the gun and free distribution of nukes lobbies. Hell, there were at least a hundred congressmen on that cruise.

Good thing I can keep a secret.

Now that everybody in the world knows that I'm thinking about a run for governor of Colorado, I'm not surprised that I got a call from the boys over on C Street.

Hush hush and all...

You didn't hear it from me.

What boys? C Street?

Shh-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h

Hmm... Maybe Governor, What do You Think?

OK, so we know the president thing didn't exactly work out as well as it could have last year. I did meet some interesting people on my MySpace page, but that's about as far as the campaign went. There were, of course, those rumors that I pulled out of the race at the last minute in response to a promise of bailout money. Which rumors I categorically deny.

So, I'm having lunch at the Petroleum Club (where else?) with some buddies earlier this week about next steps. See... If I can't keep moving forward in political circles it's going to get a bit challenging to pay my bills and keep up appearances... (but I digress).

The thing that caught just about everbody's attention around the table (except for ole Big Willie DuMont from CORE Airways who was too busy stuffing Kobe steak down his gullet) was the idea of me running for governor in the next election.

I could accomplish a lot of things that are on our party's agenda.

Immigration: If Washington won't protect our borders, I'll build a freakin' fence around Colorado. Keep 'em out of YOUR wallets anyway.

RINOs: We've got just about as many REAL Republicans here as anywhere in the country. I'd be happy to give 'em a voice. (And maybe a little helpful legislation to quiet down the damned liberals.)

Anyways, that's the deal. Let me know what you think.

It's the Damned Middle Class

A lot of people, including the new administration, have been tossing around a lot of reasons for the economic mess we're in. Some blame it on our dependence on foreign oil. Some blame it on the balance of trade. Some blame it on globalization and out sourcing.

But I'm here today to tell you damned well what the source of the problem is.

The American Middle Class.

You read it right, the middle class. Years ago, when we had People That Matter controlling all the capital, all the land, all the resources, the rest of the American people knew their place. Sun comes up, you go to work. Sun goes down, you go to sleep. Next day, you do it all over again.

There was no need for the workers to learn how to read, how to write. Things like that were just a distraction from what they're supposed to be doing.

Repeat after me:
Sun comes up, go to work. Sun goes down, go to sleep. Next day, do it all over again.

Don't complain about how much money you're making (or not making). Just do your job the way you're told.

Then, somehow, we're pretty sure the damned labor unions had something to do with it, everything went to hell. The American working class started wanting to take a day or two off EVERY WEEK.

We bent, and gave 'em Sundays, but it wasn't enough. Pretty soon, they had enough time to start thinking about things. Next thing you know, they had enough time to learn how to read. Wasn't too long before they decided that EVERYBODY ought to know how to read.

We began the long road to inevitable decay of our well organized society. All of a sudden, people wanted to be able to have some daylight at the end of their workday and conspired with the Communists to pass daylight savings time, get 40 hour weeks and all that other stuff that just destroyed productivity.

The worst part is when they found out that having all this leisure time gave them a) much too much time to think about what they didn't have and b) thought that maybe they deserved some entertainment time.

We should have been able to predict what would happen next, but obviously we didn't. Actors and writers started demanding as much money as the guys (People That Matter) who ran the studios. Baseball and football players decided that they should make enough money to be able to live after age or an injury killed their careers.

The worst part of all of this is that average Americans began to think of themselves as People That Matter. Hell even artists and musicians began to think that way. Can you imagine a freakin' songwriter thinking "I'm a Person That Matters"?

The final decay began with these people began to think that dishwashing, gardening, pig sty cleaning, and sweeping up poop behind the elephants in a parade were all jobs that they were too good for.

What the hell? Somebody's got to be a nanny. Somebody's got to serve me my meals. Somebody's got to pick up after me when I trash a hotel room.

When Americans wouldn't do this stuff anymore who do you think did? Immigrants, that's who!
'Nuf said.

We MUST get back to the days when People That Matter are the ONLY people that matter, and June Cleaver can't read anything more complex than a cookbook.