Screw What People Think, We've Got Big Bucks!

I spent a lot of energy last time talking about the whole anti-affluence image thing my last bunch of advisors gave me talking points (those lines with the little dot at the beginning) for. You know what? I don't care anymore about what those guys say. I just got a couple of major buck injections for my campaign so screw what people think. There's enough money coming in that we can actually buy this thing for 2012. First of all, a couple of weeks ago, Acolytica and EvCross announced a merger to support a two billion dollar SuperPAC donation for our cause. Then today, AWNP announced the formation of another SuperPAC, MTLTA*, dedicated to raising approximately 3 billion for the RIGHT cause, which happens to be... ME. *Money Talks Louder Than Anything-else

What's With the Crappy Old Building?

Question:
A question that came into our campaign office recently. Just a second --- What do you mean WHAT campaign office? Haven't you been paying attention? --- but as usual, I digress.

The REAL question is:

"Background check: You used to have a picture of a really nice mansion in the background, and now you have some ancient piece of crap. Why? Is there some special symbolism to it?"

Answer:
You had me going there. I turned around and looked behind me to see what the heck you were talking about then I realized you were asking about the website background. Well, I'm not exactly happy with it either, but here is what my advisers tell me to say: (the little dots, they tell me, mean that these are talking points)

• There's been a lot of pissing and moaning about rich people lately, and so we changed the picture so we're not so much about an air of affluence with the campaign. (Whatever the hell an air of affluence means. Jeeze, affluence? Is that like when you have bad gas? Oh, sorry, that's effluence, I think.)
• There's been a lot of pissing and moaning by rich people about people who aren't rich, and we figured we'd make them happy by telling them that government (I always thought that was govmint) is on the way out, as obsolete and decrepit as that old building.
• There's been a lot of pissing and moaning by everybody that says people in congress can't get anthing done. Hell no, they can't. They're not supposed to. Getting things done would piss off all the people who pay congress not to get anything done.

That's all for now. Hope it's all as clear to you as 18 minutes on a Nixon tape.

Next time: Vice Presidential Choices.

Government Shutdown - Bring it On!

Corbis

Let 'em shut down the government. We'll be strip-mining ALL the national parks by Monday morning.

Should Marriage be Sanct?

Image - Corbis

OK, so I don't really know if sanct is a word. My spell checker says it's not, but my spell checker might have been written by one of those elitist bi-coastal liberals. (Anything with bi- in it has to be bad, right? I remember when I was ten and broke my arm riding a bi-cycle and the... oops, I digress.)

But what I'm talking about here is the Sanctity of Marriage. I don't really have a friggin' clue what sanctity means, but if the Republicans want it, it's got to be a good thing, right? (Even though the word sanctity can't be all good because it's got that obscene word 'tity' in it.)

What my great friends in Colorado have done over the past couple of days is a good thing, but I don't think they carried it far enough. Sure we don't want two people of the same sex to be married, because it isn't sanct. I don't think so anyway. Just like we don't want people to get married to other species, like Democrats.

If we don't want them to get married, then we also don't want them to have any of the benefits and legal shit that married people have. Insurance, hospitalization, library cards, tax deductions, you know the drill.

But I am proposing that we take it one step farther. The best way to keep marriage really and truly sanct is to go after people who do anything to threaten that sanctity (snork there's that word 'tity' again).

So here is my outline for the Colorado (and every other freakin' state except California) Marriage Sanctity Law:

Health insurance, life insurance, dental insurance, inheritances, tax deductions and two-for-one deals at Wendy's will be DENIED IN PERPETUITY to anyone who violates the SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE.

This includes, in addition to the aforementioned same sex couples, the following people:

• Adulterers (politicians and preachers are not excluded)
• Cheaters (same same politicians and preachers)
• Lying Spouses (politicians and preachers can only lie at work not at home)
• Wives who keep to their place in the world

In order receive, or continue to receive, benefits, EVERY MARRIED PERSON must take a Semi-Annual Lie Detector test to maintain eligibility. Furthermore...

Just a second, someone is talking to me...

Oh, excuse me. I just found out that we have Republican politicians and preachers who do some of the stuff I've listed about so...

Never mind.

Em.

How Can Your State be Business Friendly?

I told you back in December that I'd decided to become a lobbyist. Well, I have.

The adult entertainment industry offered me the most money (and fringe benefits) but it's pretty obvious that would damage my next chance of running for office in our fair state, or country, or continent. So I took the next best thing. The money's close and some of the fringes are comparable, although more discreet. [note to self: delete that last part before posting]

I am working with people at the highest levels of business (like this anonymous gentleman) to prepare for a number of upcoming conversations with state governors (including the guy that beat me) about how to make their states more business friendly.

It is important to note that the people I am working with have specifically instructed me that none of these items are made public until after the first round of gubernatorial meetings. But anyone who has followed my career for any length of time knows damned well that I am a maverick, a loose cannon...

My gun's cock is consistently at half-mast.

So here is the top ten list of ways your state can become more business friendly. When you look at them and read them carefully, you'll see that every single one makes perfect sense.

1. No corporate income, property, or sales taxes. (My helpful addition: for the top company in the state in any industry.)
2. No personal income taxes, property, or sales taxes for anyone making over $1 million per year. (I would change that to $500k, because that's what I make.)
3. Ban unions, the BBB, and media consumer advocates and investigative reporters.
4. Remove all restrictions on interest charges and collection methods.
5. Repeal any statute that makes fraud, deceptive advertising, or the manufacture of unsafe products illegal.
6. Cap all product liability suits to a maximum of $1 in penalty awards.
7. Blanket immunity from prosecution, tort liability, or alimony for anyone with a C-Suite job title and all boards-of-directors members.
8. Free water, electricity, streets, roads, and private police divisions.
9. Free fuel for corporate jets and a method to get "unidentified material" out of the U.S. and into foreign countries without the tedium of customs or security searches. [note: Unidentified materials can be any number of items, as defined by us.  E.g. shrink-wrapped bales of Ben Franklins, attractive interns, you know the drill.]
10. An extremely tedious, dangerous, and useless procedure to establish a business license for: a) anybody who competes with a company already in place, and b) useless small businesses who don't believe in using leverage, clout, or violence when necessary, c) anybody who pays more than we do, and d) "honest" businessmen that make the rest of us look like dog shit.

11. (I know I said ten, but this one is for me.) A free house in an upscale trendy neighborhood with no taxes, maintenance, or utilities expense (oh yeah, and a new Jaguar in the garage) for any lobbyist who represents these corporations under a very exclusive contract.

That's it for now. You may as well write your governor and tell him to give in. When the good (business and banking) people of your state see this list they'll be so excited and happy at the prospect of an excited and happy business community that they'll give the governor no options.

As always,
Em.

*image ©Robert Lerich:BigStockPhoto.com

OK, So Maybe I'll Be a Lobbyist

What the hell. I lost a couple of races. Is my political career over? Hell no it isn't.

I'm gonna be a lobbyist.

I don't have any job offers...yet. But I will soon, I just know it. I can twist an arm with the best of them.

I can help out anybody tired of "working the system" or who needs a way "in the back door." --- NOT THAT WAY!!

I'll have my business cards in a couple of days.

Sincerely,
Em

What I'll Do As Governor

In case you haven't heard, I'm officially on the Colorado ballot this November as a candidate for governor. I'm happily running on the AWNP* ticket. Some people are surprised at this, but most of the people I know well are not.

"Good on ya, Em!"

I hear it two or three times a day. If that's any indicator, I should storm into office on about 2 1/2% of the vote. Don't laugh, I think it will be enough. And if I don't, I've got a plan there, too.

One thing we hear a lot this election year is "Why the hell are the conservatives putting idiots on the ballot to run against the Democrat? Don't they know they haven't got a chance?"

Hell yes, of course we know that, but we have a plan!

Listen everybody knows that the economy is going to suck for a long time since GWB encouraged thievery and graft by deregulating everything so all those little buggers trying to scramble up StevesBigList would have less to worry about (an more to owe conservative politicians.)

Colorado is really prime for our strategy because our good friend, and fellow URWN, Dougie BoomBoom has illegally gotten three measures on the ballot that will destroy the fiscal functionality of Colorado governments for decades.

Here is the main point to this: If we give the election over to the Dems without seeming to give it over, the whole collapse of city, county and state government in Colorado will be perceived to the THEIR FAULT for decades.

"Good plan, Em, but what if you do win?"

If (and that's a little if, not a big one, because I'm confident I can do this job... Hell, I ran for president in 2008, remember?) I am elected governor of the majestic state of Colorado, here is my first week in office:

1. Prepare a series of 208 weekly press releases explaining why the fiscal collapse of Colorado governments is not my fault, but my predecessors.
2. Ease the immigration problem by putting 24 hour guards at every highway, street, road, bike path and dirt trail crossing our borders.
3. Revoke the ordinances that make Boulder-Springs Metroplex a sanctuary for illegal immigrants.
4. Fund step number 2 by closing 60% of the schools. Hell, the only jobs left in the state will be border guards and we can train them in 8 weeks. The other 40% will be reserved for training corporate lawyers, CEOs, and the little guys in the cubicles who write the deceptive, but barely legal, language on bank statements, warranties, and a million other things.
5. Save money by shutting down all the water treatment plants in the state. Let people drink bottled water -- hell, somebody can make a profit at that! If they can't afford bottled water, let 'em drink store brand sodas.

That's pretty much it for now. I'm sure I'll think of more before election time with even more brilliant ideas.


*American Wing Nut Western National Party -- we started out as Tea Party, but hell that doesn't work for two reasons. a) Tea parties are for women and little girls, and b) a real redneck doesn't drink tea.